Hey friends,
Welcome to my update! This is a series documenting the process of writing and publishing my Chinese memoir that tells the story of me being Taiwanese, and how I perceived my identity changes over time. This includes studying in the States, quitting my 9-5, becoming an online creator and digital nomad, marrying into a white family, and becoming a mother.
SHOUT OUT TO MY READERS I MET IN SXSW! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUPPORT!!
How much I wrote last week
I wrote in total 10.5 hours, 9880 words last week.
Reflections
I love how Tucker Max said in this podcast that memoir writers should write from scars, not wounds. Writing from wounds is emotional dumping while writing from scars is reclaiming our autonomy, transforming us from victims to people responsible for our own lives. Writing the raw first draft is healing my scars into my wounds for me. I started to see different sides of the story in my head and made peace with some past experiences that I thought were done TO me. Now, writing the second part of the memoir, I feel I have been given a new chance to relive my life. Every day feels more hopeful.
But still, I passed the stage where I could just write from determination and into the stage where I know I need faith. I‘m reading a few chapters of Steven Pressfield’s The Artist Journey every day to keep this faith going. The VOID chapter sums up my experience now. Every day, I start with nothing, and then I reach into the void and pull out one sentence. Sentence by sentence, I started building momentum and more and more courage until I completely leaned into the VOID.
On the other side of the VOID, is who we really are.
Snippet of the Week
Last week, I wrote about how my dream of being a personal trainer was completely shattered. My ego was destroyed when I had a training injury. I was no longer a strong, powerful female my ego thought I was. Instead of empowering females, I was more like a salesperson. But I accidentally created my fitness podcast, and that changed everything. I realized you can never find a dream in a job, but becoming who you are meant to be.
我逐漸改善的疼痛又讓我對訓練燃起了希望.然而最後一根觸發巨大改變的稻草,則是加入保羅課程這個無心之舉.保羅在我成為健身教練那一年的年底,開設了一個叫做「Reinvent 重新創造」的四周線上課程.我在這四週裡,和來自越南、美國、和歐洲的學生,一起重新檢視對於「工作」和人生關係的各種假設.我第一次發現,原來自己對人一定要以某種方式工作換取收入、追求工作身份這些天經定義的想法,原來只是近代的突變產物!在課程的終了,我們彼此約定執行一個自己想做許久、但不敢做的人生小實驗.在那時已經聽音頻三年多的我、深受音頻訪談故事改變的我,心中想要開設自己的音頻訪談頻道的想法已經醞釀已久.雖然之前做過的教練訪談和音頻很類似,但那畢竟還是躲在公司品牌的保護傘下,不需要擔當這個計畫的所有責任.而在我心目中,音頻主持人這樣的公眾人物,都是向提姆西費里斯那樣出眾、或向保羅這樣擁有全權頂尖菁英公司工作經驗的人.像我這樣的平凡女子,怎麼有資格拿起麥克風向大眾傳播我無知的見解呢?
然而,當我和其他學生想要以其他較不重要的事情來搪塞這個實驗挑戰時,保羅才不會讓我們如此輕易的投降.他說服我們這可以是一次性的嘗試,如果真的做了不喜歡,大可以不要繼續.這個說法讓創立音頻這個想法變得沒有這麼可怕.於是我說服自己只要錄一集音頻就好,大不了一集後就作廢音頻!於是挑戰回報日的前一天晚上,教完課的我騎著鐵馬飆車回家,一次用iphone 耳機一次又一次的重錄不到10分鐘的自介內容,最後簡單地用投影片製作了音頻的封面、用非常幼稚的字體兜上了「好奇槓鈴」四個字,上傳到一個國外的音頻頻台上.就這樣一瞬間,我成了音頻主持人,而這個舉動完全的改變了我的人生.
隔天,當我進入健身房時,深怕自己建立音頻這件事會挑起其他人的不安全感或甚至引來嘲諷.沒想到當我向其他人提起自己建立音頻時,大家的反應一致都是: 「那是什麼?」,我才發現自己的擔心有多麽愚蠢.
開始音頻後,我邀了第一位在臉書上認識的朋友分享他在美國職業籃球隊工作的經歷,這次的錄音加上之前工作室的教練訪談系列,讓我對主持音頻開始覺得不是那麼的不可能.於是我從「錄一集就好」,變成「錄五集就好」,但是就像寫作或畫畫的過程通常會超乎作者原本的預期、變成作者被作品引導著創作一樣,這個音頻計畫已經長出了自己的生命、有自己的意識和動能,不願意就此被打住.那是2019年的12月,雖然國外音頻產業已有十幾年的歷史,但網路上找得到的台灣音頻屈指可數,健身音頻則是一個都沒有.於是我「意外」的創立了台灣第一個健身音頻,並在Podcast 排行榜上蟬聯前五名好幾個月.很巧的是,在我開始好奇槓鈴好的沒幾天,一位健身網紅 Pei Pei 也開始了他的音頻女子健心室.我們深夜相約在國父紀念館的咖啡廳見面,聊著那些轉職、創立自媒體的害怕和對未來想像.在這之後彼此不只成為了在創作上互相支持、經歷上天下海創作起伏的好朋友,甚至在同一年一起成為了媽媽.
以前我總是以為自己僥倖,說自己是因為「逼不得已」、「誤打誤撞」才在對的時間點成立了好奇槓鈴,但當創作的時間越久,我就越相信伊莉莎白·吉兒伯特在《創造力》這本書裡所描述的,我們並不是獨自地發明了某個創意點子,而是這個點子本來就有自己的生命、在世界上尋找能夠將它付諸實踐的人.她在書中描述自己原本想寫一本小說,但是後來半途而廢.多年後,他偶然遇到一位女性,竟然在寫當初和他放棄那本小說一模一樣的人設和劇情!也許那時後我接受了課程的挑戰、也是命運的召喚,將這個正在世界中流竄的點子付諸實踐.而確實不知道為什麼,在好奇槓鈴建立時的那一兩個月,有2、30個其他領域的音頻也跟著冒出,我們這些音頻創作者便因相知相惜變成好朋友,以為自己會持續是特別形式的創作者.殊不知在2020年疫情爆發時,台灣音頻數量也跟著大爆發,瞬間幾百個節目和平台如雨後春筍般冒出,不到一年音頻在台灣便成了一個極為普遍的創作模式.如果我當時不夠勇敢、放棄了這個健身深度訪談的音頻,很有可能一個月後看到某個人做出了和好奇槓鈴一模一樣的音頻而爆紅,而我只能摸摸鼻子後悔自己沒有將想法付諸實踐.
接下來的幾個月,沒有在教課的時間,我不是在擬訪綱,就是在訪談、剪輯錄音.我在健身房教課的空擋拿出電腦打開有聲音波紋的檔案、或在咖啡廳閱讀一篇又一篇有關來賓的報導.我發抖著寄送訪談邀請給那些自己不曾想像可以坐在同一個空間裡促膝長談的來賓,向他們學習那些如果不是因為訪談,自己根本不可能獲得的寶貴人生經驗和知識.再一次次我和來賓一起紅了眼框的訪談中,那個轉職後感到受挫和失望的自己也漸漸地開始療癒.其中,我竟然真的也有幸邀請到那個一開始啟發我要做一個「改變的媒介」的曾育嫻老師,當我坐在台大新體的教室裡聽他講著性別權力在運動空間中的展現和如何增進運動性別平等,那個過去曾是外文系和社會所的自己終於感到安了心.我也激動的發現自己在轉職前想要藉由訓練作為賦權的願望,真的在好奇槓鈴的音頻裡被實踐了.
原本,就像自己在「我們能在婚姻中,找到真實的自己嗎?」這系列文章所描述的一樣,我的冒牌者一開始在創作的路上不斷出來扯我的後腿.
「你怎麼膽敢邀請那個誰誰誰當來賓啊,人家憑什麼答應你」、「根本沒有任何設計天份,做那什麼見不得人的 IG 貼文?」,冒牌指著我笑.
這些都是在創作初期非常平常的自我對話.但是,不管我怎麼害怕來賓可能會看低我,不可否認的是我卻一次一次地和來賓成為好朋友.更令我意想不到的是,在台灣許多的訪談結束後,來賓竟然都會邀請我加入他們的團隊!而因為訪談的關係開始接觸各式各樣的人,我也從其他人身上挖掘了一些自己不曾面對的事實.比如說,那時想邀請一些一直深受啟發、過著極為有趣人生的人來接受訪談,但對方卻以「不夠資格」、或「自己的生活很無聊」等理由婉拒了,那時候我才驚訝的自覺,難道自己過去也是這樣、明明有著美麗的靈魂、但卻覺得自己一文不值嗎?
在一集一集訪談撥出後,我也開始收到聽眾私訊給我一段又一段段的長篇回饋.一些新手教練告訴我他們邊聽訪談邊落淚,他們發現了自己不是唯一經歷當教練的挫折和掙扎.有些人在訪談中找到了訓練的希望、有些人找到了繼續前進人生的動力.雖然這些訪談確實位健身愛好者和教練們帶來了許多幫助,但我深深知道這些創作實踐就像寫作一樣,最終幫助到作多的還是作為創作者的我.
一開始的冒牌者,在我經營自媒體的路上、不斷地在踏出我的舒適圈、採取那些讓我感受到極端不舒服卻必要的行動後,慢慢地變成可以切割的聲音.慢慢地我理解,對於我來說,克服恐懼的方式不是植入那些「愛自己」、或是「我很棒」的正向思考語錄,而是理解到「做為人,我們都有脆弱的一面」,也因此、我們都是平等的個體.
這些從來不在人生計畫內的時刻,卻比想望了三年的健身教練工作更像是「夢想」成真.因為這一次,我不在對任何老闆或企業負責、而是全然地為自己負責.我所付出的每一秒都是在創造只屬於我的東西,都在實踐「我是誰」.原來,夢想成真是成為自己真正應該成為的樣子.
Translation (Courtesy of ChatGTP!)
The gradually improving pain rekindled my hope for training. However, the final trigger for significant change was inadvertently joining Paul's course. At the end of the year when I became a fitness coach, Paul launched a four-week online course called "Reinvent." During these four weeks, alongside students from Vietnam, the United States, and Europe, we reexamined various assumptions about "work" and life relationships. I discovered for the first time that the idea that one must work in a certain way to earn income or pursue job status is merely a modern invention!
By the end of the course, we agreed to execute a life experiment we had long desired but dared not attempt. After listening to podcast for over three years and being deeply moved by the stories in podcast interviews, the idea of starting my own podcast had been brewing for some time. Although I had previously conducted coach interviews marjeting series, they were still under the protective umbrella of the company brand, relieving me of the full responsibility of such a project. In my mind, public figures like podcast hosts are either outstanding like Tim Ferriss or have extensive top-tier corporate experience like Paul. As an ordinary woman, how could I qualify to pick up a microphone and broadcast my ignorant views to the public?
However, when I and other students attempted to evade this experimental challenge with less important matters, Paul wouldn't let us give up so easily. He persuaded us that it could be a one-time try, and if we didn't like it, we could simply stop. This notion made the idea of starting a podcast less daunting. So, I convinced myself to just record one episode, and worst case, I could discard it after one episode! Thus, on the eve of the challenge return day, after finishing coaching, I raced home on my bike, repeatedly re-recording the introductory content for more than 10 minutes with my iPhone earphones, and finally, simply created a cover for the audio with power point slides, inscribing "Curious Barbell" in very childish fonts, and uploaded it to a podcast platform. In that instant, I became a podcast host, and this action completely changed my life.
The next day, when I entered the gym, fearing that establishing the podcast might trigger insecurity or even ridicule from others, I was surprised to find that when I mentioned my podcast to others, their response was unanimous: "What is it?" It was then that I realized how foolish my worries were.
After starting the podcast, I invited the first friend I met on Facebook to share his experience working for a professional basketball team in the United States. This recording, along with the previous coach interview series in the studio, made me feel that hosting a podcast was not so impossible. So, from "just record one episode" it turned into "just record five episodes." However, just as the process of writing or drawing often exceeds the author's original expectations and becomes a work that guides the author, this podcast project had grown its own life, consciousness, and energy, unwilling to be halted.
It was Dcember 2019, and although the podcast industry had been around for over a decade in the US, there were few Taiwanese audio programs to be found online, and none focused on fitness. So, "accidentally," I created Taiwan's first fitness podcast, which ranked in the top five on Apple Podcast for several months. Interestingly, a few days after I started Curious Barbell, a fitness influencer named Pei Pei also started her own audio fitness room. We met late at night at the cafe in the Sun Yat-sen Memorial Hall, talking about the fears and imaginations of career changes and establishing media. After that, we not only became good friends who supported each other in creation and experienced the ups and downs of creating content around the clock, but we also became mothers together in the same year.
I used to think I was lucky, attributing the establishment of Curious Barbell to being "forced" or "accidental" at the right time. However, as time went on in the creative process, I increasingly believed in what Elizabeth Gilbert described in her book "Big Magic": that we don't invent a creative idea alone but that the idea itself has its own life, seeking people in the world who can bring it to fruition. Perhaps accepting the challenge of the Reinvent course was also a call of destiny to put this idea that was circulating in the world into practice.
Indeed, I couldn't understand why, in the first one or two months of Curious Barbell's establishment, two or three dozen audio programs from other fields emerged. We podcast creators became good friends, thinking that we would continue to be creators in a special form. Little did we know that in 2020, when the pandemic broke out, the number of podcast programs in Taiwan exploded, and hundreds of programs and platforms emerged overnight. In less than a year, podcast in Taiwan became an extremely common mode of creation. If I hadn't been brave enough to start this in-depth fitness interview podcast, it's very likely that I would have seen someone else making a podcast just like Curious Barbell and becoming popular, while I could only regret not putting the idea into practice.
In the following months, when I wasn't teaching, I was either planning interviews, conducting them, or editing recordings. During breaks in my gym coaching schedule, I would open my laptop and listen to sound wave files, or I would read one report after another about the guests in coffee shops. I trembled as I sent interview invitations to guests I never imagined could sit down for a conversation with me, learning from them valuable life experiences and knowledge that I couldn't have obtained otherwise.
Through tearful interviews with guests, the self who felt frustrated and disappointed after the career change gradually began to heal. Among them, I was fortunate enough to invite the teacher who initially inspired me to become a "medium of change," Professor Yu-Hsien Tseng, to sit in the classroom of National Taiwan University and listen to her speak about gender empowerment and how to promote gender equality in sports. The part of me who had previously studied literature and sociology finally felt justified. I also excitedly discovered that my desire to empower through training before the career change had indeed been realized in the Curious Barbell podcast.
Initially, just like in the series of articles "Can We Find Freedom in Marriage?" my imposter syndrome constantly interfered with my creative journey.
"How dare you invite so-and-so as a guest? Who are you to deserve their consent?" "You have no design talent at all. What's with those embarrassing IG posts?" The imposter laughed at me.
These were all very common self-dialogues in the early stages of creation. However, regardless of how afraid I was that the guests might look down on me, it was undeniable that I became friends with them one after another. What surprised me even more was that after many interviews in Taiwan, the guests would invite me to join their teams!
Because of interviews, I began to encounter all kinds of people and unearthed truths about myself that I had never faced before. For example, at that time, I wanted to invite some people who had been deeply inspired and were leading interesting lives to be interviewed, but they politely declined, citing reasons like "not qualified enough" or "my life is boring." It was then that I was surprised to realize that perhaps I had been like that in the past, with a beautiful soul but feeling worthless?
After each episode aired, I began receiving long feedback messages from listeners. Some novice coaches told me they cried while listening to the interviews, realizing they were not alone in experiencing the struggles of being a coach. Some found hope in training, while others found motivation to continue moving forward in life. Although these interviews indeed brought a lot of help to fitness enthusiasts and coaches, I deeply understood that, like writing, ultimately, the one who benefited the most from these creative endeavors was me as the creator.
The initial imposter, on my journey of building my own podcast, gradually became a voice that could be ignored. I came to understand that for me, overcoming fear was not about implanting positive thinking quotes like "love yourself" or "I'm great," but rather understanding that "as human beings, we all have vulnerabilities," and therefore, we are all equal individuals.
These moments that were never in my life plan felt more like "dreams" coming true than the three years I hoped to become a fitness coach. Because this time, I'm not accountable to any boss or company, but solely responsible for myself. Every second I put in is creating something that belongs only to me, and it's all about realizing "who I am." It turns out that making dreams come true is about becoming the person you truly should be.
Preorder my book!
Are you interested in my stories? Do you read Chinese or know someone who reads Chinese that will be interested in my book? Now, you can preorder my book for $10! This book, with a tentative title, Made in Taiwan, is estimated to be published in 2024. It will be helpful for anyone who’s exploring who they are and wanting to reinvent their life while battling imposter syndrome. Or anyone interested in living an untraditional life!
Thank you for reading!
See ya next week!
Angie
Um, I love that wallpaper and your cactus! :)
I'd like to "accidentally" make a podcast at some point lol