Hey y’all,
Michelle was one month old this week!
My Birthing Experiences
One day after I published my pregnancy reflections in the last issue, I went into labor. Thirty-six hours later, Michelle was born.
I thought about how I would tell my birthing story a hundred times in my head and wrote and rewrote it many times. Finally, I decided I still couldn’t fully comprehend what happened yet, so I will leave it unfinished till the day I can somewhat make peace with it.
For now, let’s just say that my birthing experience was so mundanely painful and medicalized (and because of it, traumatizing.) that I couldn't even bear the sight of seeing the clothes I was wearing on that day. I ended up throwing them into a trash can ( I would burn them if I could 🔥).
Post-Partum Weeks
First three weeks- the unexpected dark age
I was so looking forward to Michelle’s arrival that I was shocked by how little I was prepared for post-partum weeks. The first week was the toughest. Stains of blood and milk were everywhere in the house. I was trying not to scream when my baby bit my cracked nipples while my stitched vagina was sitting on a pack of ice. Movement training was what made me feel alive but I couldn’t even walk like a human at that time.
The hardest was making connections with my baby, especially when she barely responded to us for the first three weeks. My womb felt sad and empty, almost like it was grieving the time when it was still so intimately connected (metaphorically and physically ) with the baby. The hormonal swing was a bitch. Sometimes I felt like I had absolutely nothing to give to the precious little girl that chose me to be her mother.
I also felt like I was very disconnected from my creative self. I wanted to give Michelle my full attention when I was feeding her or when she was awake, and that took up most of my day. I felt like taking an exhausting full-time work but I wasn’t growing as a person. When I attended online creators’ meetings and heard my friends share about their latest projects, I felt lost and cynical.
I felt like I entered the largest void of my life.
Here comes the sun, little darling
Fortunately, things got better. My wound started to heal and I could start to do some light workouts and walk on trails. Michelle also began to interact with us. She will look back at us when we are talking to her, and occasionally give us a charming smile that made us melt 🤤(although the internet said that was an involuntary smile when babies are passing gas lol).
My favorite moments are the times she made all sorts of ridiculous baby grunts. Sometimes she sounds like a bird 🐥. Sometimes I thought I had a dinosaur in my room🦖. I also love that she absolutely doesn't give a shit about what other people think, always greets us with gigantic burps followed by loud farts, or shoots her poop onto our hands when we were singing songs to her 🤣
I also made compromises about my “fully focused” feeding principle and decided to add podcasts to the game. Ever since I started producing my own podcast 4 years ago, I was in an information deficiency. I focused on output so much that I (used it as an excuse to) stopped reading books or listening to other podcasts. I ended up just feedings on the old ideas over and over again.
But after I made the change to feeding routines, I went from listening to less than 5 podcast episodes a month, to now 2-3 episodes a day. I used to feel absolutely exhausted during my 3 am feeding, but now I am just surfing on the idea land in the middle of the night, with the bonus of holding a squishy human in my arm. This long stretch of newfound free time during my maternity break has become my leap for growth. I don’t know what will be my next focus yet, but I can feel the new ideas I was exposed to every day gently nudging me in a direction that is new and exciting.
What does it mean to be a mom?
Honestly, I don’t know. One month in, I still don’t feel like I’m a “mother” yet. But what does motherhood really means anyway? Does it mean responsibility? Does it mean sacrifices? Does it mean being able to provide different types of love? Does it mean giving up freedom? Does it mean growing up? What if motherhood can be fun and playful? I don’t know what being a mom really means. I suspect it will take me a lifetime to figure it out ;)
Until next time!
Angie
Ps. I’m joining Writie of Passage Cohort 10 which starts in just a few days. If you love writing, come hang out!
Michelle is so cute! I love that her outfit matches Paul's in that photo 😊
Your openness and vulnerability is absolutely incredible, Angie. The realness of giving birth and parenthood is something everyone needs to learn about! Stay strong, mama. You got this. 💜
Haha love the matching outfit with Paul :) Wishing you all more quality bonding time and speedy recovery for you Angie