#17 We Move On By Remembering, Not Forgetting
Relationships are like trees planted in our hearts.
This special issue is attributed to our dear friend, whose kindness and generosity we will never forget.
“How long before I can move on from this?” I thought to myself.
I lost a dear friend who had been a great inspiration a few weeks ago, someone who was kind, generous, and absolutely hilarious. For him, the world was a giant playground. He was on a constant hunt for people with free time to go on adventures and just wanted all his friends to befriend each other. His trust in friendship and love was precious in the adult world.
“I’m outside your balcony. Let’s go for a bike ride.”
“Hey peeps. Tuesday evening y’all are coming to meet my awesome friends from China. Dinner will be provided.”
These are just a few examples of the texts from him that made us laugh and shake our head, “That is so him!”
It took a few days for me to go through finally come to the realization of his death. At first, I was in denial. My head knew he had left us, but I acted like nothing had happened. I went through my day as usual - I sang songs and danced with my daughter, gossiped with my husband on how ridiculous the French lady’s financial decisions were on Ramit Sethi’s How to Get Rich on Netflix, and went to meet-ups to make new friends.
I went to the memorial dinner for him knowing I should be sad, but still somehow thought that we would get a phone call saying this was a joke. People would exhale with relief and burst out laughing saying “I knew it!”.
But then one afternoon, when I was vibing with my music and trying to paint the perfect dot on a mandala rock, it finally dawned on me.
“Shit, he really left us.”
My heart cringed. I felt like vomiting.
Over the next few days, the wave of sadness became like a shadow that creeped out from the corner behind me, growing larger and larger and gradually engulfing me. The smile of my newborn made the thought of his death even more unbearable. My heart felt like a large, damp cotton ball, so heavy and sad that I could barely breathe.
“How long until I can forget about this?”
I was shocked by my thought. “What am I thinking?” I'd lost relationships I held dear. I’d been through grief. I knew the harder I tried to erase the memories of someone, the stronger the pain would forcefully stay. And yet, my gut reaction was still forgetting!?
If I learned anything from all the heartbreaks, it would be how we really move on.
We move on by remembering, not forgetting.
For me, relationships are like trees deeply planted into my heart. The times we played together like a child were roots that filled the dark holes under the soil. The vulnerable conversations we shared are the strong branches that gave me the courage to face the cruelty of the adult world. If I tried to pull out the trees, I would be left with giant holes with broken roots that would eventually rot into cynicism and anger. These holes become the traumatic narratives that trap us, forbidding us from experiencing the fullness of life.
I knew it was time to surrender to the natural cycles of life. It’s time to let vulnerability and tenderness take over. By honoring the past and acknowledging the loss, my acceptance of “what is” will help me complete the process of mourning. Day by day, year by year, the seeds of these experiences will continue to nourish my life, making me a more complete human to welcome more beautiful souls into my life.
And thus, I revisited every minute of the memories I shared with my friend. I sat with the moments of heartbreak for as long as they needed to stay. I carved out a shape of my friend in my heart, planting all the sunny afternoons we shared together and the silly jokes he made inside. I know one day, these memories will grow into trees, providing me shelter and water to live a beautiful life.
We move on by remembering, not forgetting.
<3 Thank you for letting us remember your friend with you together
💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙