Hey Friends!
Welcome to my update! This is a series documenting the process of writing and publishing my Chinese memoir that tells the story of me being Taiwanese, and how I perceived my identity changes over time. This includes studying in the States, quitting my 9-5, becoming an online creator and digital nomad, marrying into a white family, and becoming a mother.
First, Happy Lunar New Year!
How much I wrote this week
I broke my record of how much I can write in a day again! Oh man, that day was excruciating. I just sat in a coffee shop for 6 hours working on that same Google doc. I felt too burnt out the next day, so I worked on some trivial stuff, worked out, and then boom, another almost 3k words per day. Then came CNY, so I conveniently celebrated and skipped writing for two days haha. Overall, I skipped three writing days this week, but feeling even more confident that I can power through my first draft.
Btw if you are ADHD like me, this Pomodoro timer is my hack to get as many writing sessions done as possible in one day. Best 20 bucks spent in 2024!
Reflections
I’m writing the chapter about moving back to Taiwan and desperately holding onto my professional identity. I thought this part of life would be easier to write because I talked about it on my podcast many times and even wrote a 20,000-word e-book.
But, boy, I was wrong. (Btw, why not “girl,” I was wrong? English language is weird. Just like the first time I heard the phrase “smart cookies”, I was like, why not “smart brownies?”)
First, I thought it would be easy to revisit my office life because this memory was pretty new compared to my years studying abroad. On the contrary, I found myself trying very hard to remember the details of those few years, while my study abroad chapters flowed easily. I think it might be because I completely disassociated myself as a coping mechanism for my meaningless office life while studying abroad was still such an emotionally salient experience for me.
In addition, I found out there are still a lot of ideas I’m trying to tackle that I only started thinking about recently. For example, what is passion? How important is passion? Do we have a core of our being that stays the same throughout life, or are we constantly changing? Is “Designing Your Life” correct? Or should I embrace mysticism?
This is also the part where I embraced my pathless path- with my husband’s support. So, the critical voices in my head just got louder and louder. I kept imagining people saying: “Turns out this is a book written by a privileged girl who try to play her imposter card. What a waste of my time.” Or, “So the whole point of this book is about winning a husband lottery? How convenient.”
In addition to this, my mother just announced that she will be visiting us next month. I couldn't help but imagine what if she found out I was writing a memoir that says I have been struggling with our mother-daughter relationship for ten years…
Oh well, Angie, just be brave and keep writing!!
Snippet of the Week
This week, I wrote about how much I cried after going back to Taiwan, to all the small, beautiful things and all the sad reminders of my grandparents who passed away while I was fighting for my visa in Chicago. I found comfort in socializing as someone who speaks my native language in social circles, visiting my parents weekly, and hanging out with my old college friends. But gradually, I became a numb office zombie who lost connection with myself.
最重要的是,我也不再是獨自一人在異鄉漂流.我和同事講著台灣人才懂的笑話梗,過年過節的時候,我們會一起慶祝這些對我們來說有集體回憶的日子.還記得第一個元宵節同事帶了自家煮的鹹湯圓來辦公室分著吃的時候,我不敢置信自己竟然又回到了這個充滿溫暖、有人照顧的地方,感動得邊哭邊排隊,讓待湯圓的同事超級傻眼.在週末時,我搭著火車回台中,看著那些從小到大我熟悉的砂石河床和鐵皮屋,並且硬要待到週一清晨,才搭五點半第一班自強號回台北上班.週間晚上,我會穿著在第五大道購買的緊身洋裝和高跟鞋,參加時尚科技業女性們的交流聚會,或和在約會軟體上認識的對象到酒吧,以成熟專業人士女子的身份點昂貴的酒小酌一番.終於,我不再是那個為了簽證在中式餐館打零工的窮困留學生,而是個迷人、有不錯收入、過者良好生活品質的時代新女性!
而在這樣美好的生活開始發展的階段,我的淚水也成為了這個階段的一個代表象徵.也許是自美國壓抑自己的情緒太久,我的身體決定要關掉所有控制眼淚的門閥,讓情緒隨時隨地報復性地如洩洪般奔流而出.以前不太常哭的我,這次回台灣後動不動就為了沒啥大不了的事掉淚.在紅綠燈的路口看到小嬰兒對媽媽美麗的微笑時,我會感動落淚.在看一個電影的美好結局時,我會感到溫暖地落淚.在電影看到我想望卻到不了的加州場景時,我會難過得落淚.在上班空擋到全聯買零嘴吃的我,看到背景像是爺爺的外省阿伯,必須要將自己關到廁所裡大哭一場,才有辦法繼續上班.有一次午餐時間,同事在描述她照顧病危家人的故事,而我告訴爺爺要帶他到美國玩的畫面湧上心頭.我一語不發地站起來、離開座位,逃到樓梯間嚎啕大哭.那時的同事們大概已經習慣了那個愛哭的我,輪流到樓梯間遞給我衛生紙、拍拍我的背,就讓我一個人獨處.那時候的自己其實並沒有發現,那其實就是未正視的創傷經驗復發的展現.
不久後,慧穎也從紐約回來,開始在女性影展工作.我們相約在信義安和附近的居酒屋,和另一名從阿姆斯特丹回來的家瑋一起吃燒烤、聊聊那些海龜的心得.
「我也不知道為什麼,我回到了我的家鄉,但我卻始終沒有回到「家」的感覺.我感覺台北好只是如任何一個其他的國際城市一樣,而我只是短暫的在這裡駐足.」我說.
那時的自己並沒有遇見自己未來真的過著數位遊牧的生活,而台北真的成為我駐足的城市之一.然而也許不意外地,她們兩人也有同樣的感受.也許這是讓我覺得漂泊的人生並不那麽奇怪的原因,和我一同就讀台大外文的朋友,畢業後都散佈了各大洲.大部分的人到美國繼續念研究所,也有許多人去歐洲闖蕩.至於選擇長居在台灣的,只要有機會就往東南亞背包行、或前往常人無法窺見的深山越嶺.「離開」對於我們這群文青來說,才是永恆的真理.
然而,無論我們在哪裡,尋找那些對生命來說有意義的事作為人生志向,卻是我們共同的主軸.那些能以自己認同的方式對社會進行貢獻,不管工作多辛苦、薪水是不是在金字塔頂端,每天卻都是心滿意足地活著,因為他們做得是和自己的人生價值一致的工作.而那些領著不錯薪水、卻做著和自己生命價值的毫無相關的工作的人,終將成為行屍走肉.比如我.
Translation (Courtesy of ChatGTP)
The most important thing is that I am no longer drifting alone in a foreign land. I share jokes only Taiwanese would understand with colleagues, and during holidays, we celebrate these days that carry collective memories for us. I still remember the first Lantern Festival when a colleague brought homemade savory rice balls to the office to share. I couldn't believe I had returned to a place filled with warmth and care, moved to tears while queuing up, leaving my colleagues waiting for the rice balls utterly baffled.
On weekends, I take the train back to Taichung, passing familiar gravel riverbeds and corrugated iron houses, insisting on staying until Monday morning before catching the first Tze-Chiang train back to Taipei for work. On weekday evenings, I wear tight dresses and high heels purchased on Fifth Avenue to attend networking events for women in the fashion and tech industries, or go out for drinks at bars with dates met on dating apps, indulging in expensive wines as a mature professional woman. Finally, I am no longer the impoverished student working part-time in Chinese restaurants for a visa, but an attractive, well-earning woman enjoying a good quality of life.
As this wonderful life begins to unfold, my tears have become a symbol of this phase. Perhaps after repressing my emotions for too long in the United States, my body decided to let go of all control over tears, allowing them to flow whenever and wherever. Now back in Taiwan, I find myself crying over trivial matters. The sight of a baby smiling at its mother at a traffic light, a touching movie ending, or a California scene I long for but can't reach, all bring me to tears. Even during a break at work, the sight of an elderly man resembling my grandfather can send me rushing to the bathroom to cry before I can continue with my day. Once, a colleague shared a story about caring for a critically ill family member, and I was overwhelmed by memories of telling my grandfather about taking him to the U.S., leading me to leave my seat and cry in the stairwell. By then, my colleagues had grown accustomed to my tears, offering tissues and comforting pats before leaving me alone, unaware that these were manifestations of unresolved traumas.
Soon, Huiying returned from New York to work at a women's film festival. We met at an Izakaya near Xinyi Anhe with another friend, Jiawei, who had returned from Amsterdam, to share barbecue and discuss our experiences as returnees.
"I don't know why, but even though I've returned to my hometown, I still don't feel 'at home.' Taipei seems just like any other international city, where I'm merely stopping by," I said.
I hadn't realized then that I would truly live a digital nomad life, with Taipei becoming one of my stops. Interestingly, both of them felt the same way. Perhaps this is why the nomadic lifestyle doesn't seem strange to me, as many of my classmates from the NTU Department of Foreign Languages have scattered across continents after graduation. Most went to the U.S. for graduate studies, while others ventured to Europe. Those who chose to stay in Taiwan would backpack in Southeast Asia or explore inaccessible mountains whenever possible. "Leaving," for us literati, is the eternal truth.
Yet, wherever we are, finding meaningful pursuits as life goals remains our common thread. Contributing to society in ways that resonate with us, regardless of the hardships or whether our salaries are at the top of the pyramid, living each day with satisfaction because the work aligns with our life values. Conversely, those earning decent wages but doing work unrelated to their life values will eventually become the walking dead. Like me.
Preorder my book!
Are you interested in my stories? Do you read Chinese or know someone who reads Chinese that will be interested in my book? Now, you can preorder my book! This book, with a tentative title, Made in Taiwan, is estimated to be published in 2024. It will be helpful for anyone who’s exploring who they are and wanting to reinvent their life while battling imposter syndrome. Or anyone interested in living an untraditional life!
Thank you for catching up!
See ya next week!
Angie