#26 Book Update 05- Finding My Style

Still hanging on there

Hey friends,

Welcome to my update! This is a series documenting the process of writing and publishing my Chinese memoir that tells the story of me being Taiwanese, and how I perceived my identity changes over time. This includes studying in the States, quitting my 9-5, becoming an online creator and digital nomad, marrying into a white family, and becoming a mother.

I missed last week’s update, but it’s my daughter’s one-year-old birthday! We had a fun time celebrating!

We did a career prediction ceremony 抓周，and we absolutely didn’t bribe Mumu to choose the Pathless Path ;)

How much I wrote these two weeks

I wrote 8928 words last week and 11292 this week. Last week also marked the day I wrote over 100,000 words for the first draft.

Reflections

If I thought I hit the dip two weeks ago, I hit a black hole this week. I thought I would be happy when I wrote over 100k, but I felt lost when I found out I was only a tiny bit closer to the end than before. “How much more do I need to write till I can type out the word “the end?” I asked myself.

Also, the past five years of life are way harder to write about than the first 30 years because I started tackling deep questions like “ What is a creative cycle?” or, “How to define creativity?”And lots of questions I had for life I still don’t have answers for. Well, I guess I can only find out by sticking it through.

Among all the uncertainties, I did have one breakthrough. I felt stuck writing about my nomadic experience because I felt like I had to write poetically like a typical travel writer. But after talking to my friend Madi, who’s also writing a book, I realized I could make the travel scenes my style- more emotional reflection and less scenery description. I adopted her advice and words started to flow!

Snippet of the Week

This snippet is about how I returned to Chiang Mai with Paul after quitting my tech job. I started to feel the mourning process of my first work identity. It was also on this trip that I wrote my first long personal stories.

從到達清邁到現在短短兩個禮拜，每天都有如活在夢境一般．我不敢相信我竟然能真的回到夢想中的清邁，能找到願意和我一起旅行的伴侶．每走到一個寫著泰語招牌的雜貨店、每天張開眼睛發現自己還在泰國，都是個讓我腦袋爆炸的狂喜時刻．我們騎車在拜鎮的山谷間，我在後座抱著米寶大聲唱著當紅炸子雞的歌曲 「Home is wherever I’m with you 」的時候，心裡不知道這段完全超乎我想像的感情，會一直發展到什麼樣的地步．雖然我無法預知後來的我們竟然會結婚、還一起有了一個美麗的寶寶，但我卻有一種超然的信任感．而一年後，我們的結婚紀念影片裡放著就是這首歌．每當我看著女兒天真的臉龐，想起那段在拜縣坐在米寶機車後座的日子，也都還是會驚嘆生命的安排竟然是如此的神奇．

隨著旅行的進程，我離職後的情緒開始蜂湧而來．原以為離職後就是一遍海闊天空，沒想到自己和工作的關係卻像是分手的情侶一樣，竟然如此的糾纏難解．一開始，我生氣自己為什麼過了這麼久才採取轉職的行動，然後又嘗試說服自己已經離開、不應該有這樣的感受、嘗試壓抑自己的情緒．最後，一股強烈的悲傷席捲了所有理智反應．我開始哀悼那些沒有真的為自己好好活者的青春．所有對於那些明明還很新鮮卻像是上個人生的回憶、與現在遊牧狂喜生活的衝擊，我有滿腔糾纏的情懷，擠在胸口不知如合宣洩．那時熱愛寫作、不斷在部落格上紀錄自己離職後的人生和對工作的想法的米寶，多次鼓勵我應該把這些經歷都寫下來．

「蛤？寫作？這又不是我的長處？況且誰會想要看我這些無聊的故事？」我心想．以前我的寫作經驗，頂多是學期報告的論文、或是批踢踢個板上充滿注音文的無病呻吟，在閱讀的都是我愛打嘴炮的外文系朋友們．雖然我在閱讀每週工作四小時後，知道經營部落格也是一種遊牧得方式，但我從來沒想過自己是一個可以寫作的人．對我來說，那是有真正有趣的人生故事、有聰穎過人的見解、或是文學世家背景的人做的事．我只不過是個不愛上班想每天健身的平凡女子，寫作才不是我會做或應該做的事．

然而那些思緒不斷在腦海重複播演，想要訴說這段故事的慾望也越來越強烈．就像想要當教練的慾望始終都是要被滿足，這一段故事也有了自己的生命、敲打著我的腦袋要求著被寫下．凌晨四點怎麼翻覆都睡不著的我，終於拿出放在床邊包包裡筆電，連起床都跳過了，就靠在枕頭上開始一字一句的開始寫下轉職的心路歷程．當寫出第一句後，我就像著了魔似的，無法停止的一直寫下去．

「我就知道你可以的！」米寶在清晨的黑暗中被我的敲打聲吵醒，轉頭看到我終於開始寫下他一直希望我寫的這篇文章，興奮地大聲驚呼．我從天黑寫到天亮，接下來這幾天除了把這篇文章完成外，什麼事也不想做．中午吃飯時想寫作，騎著機車時想著寫作、一有機會就找咖啡廳裡繼續寫作．然而在寫文章之時，我正處於轉職的中空地帶．過去的都已經結束、未來的路是完全未知．我真的會如願所償的獲得一個能夠助人、幫助女性賦權、收入又高的健身教練職啀嗎？從原本多元背景的我即將進入相對單一的生活，會有什麼樣的衝擊？回台灣是不是就代表我遊牧夢想的結束？對於這一切的未知數，我沒有答案．我開始不確定道寫這篇文章對於想要改變的人有什麼用．我確信這是一個成功的轉變，卻不知道這個轉變會不跟隨帶來一個成功的結果．帶寫作的目的，不就是要教給大家一定會成功或快樂的公式嗎？

「那你把這個也寫下來吧．」米寶說．「沒有人真得一定要成功的故事，能夠激起共鳴的，是藉由分享自己的不完美，讓大家了解這樣的脆弱性與不確定性是人所共有的，是可以讓人知道自己並不孤單、有別人陪伴繼續前進的力量．”」

於是，我在文末寫下：

「希望大家都可以擁抱對於未來的不確定性，勇敢的面對自己的脆弱，然後邊實驗、邊塑造出自己想要的人生的原型．

希望可以藉由分享一些啟發我的知識或文字，讓自己成為他人的邁向自己真心的渴望的催化劑，不管是人生上或是身體力量上都是．說實在我也不知道什麼才是絕對真實、絕對正確，但是一點一點的，你總會知道 哪些是真正讓你在夜深人靜面對自己的時候，讓你流淚、讓你真正想奮不顧身、用盡全身力量去獲得的東西，哪些又是屬於別人定義、屬於別人的夢想，而你所要做的只是勇敢地放下．」

現在的我看到這些字句，還是會忍不住起雞皮疙瘩．創作就是這樣子的，有時候我們寫出的東西限於當下所了解的世界框架或是害怕自己不夠資格分享自己的想法，等多年後回頭看時，便會吃驚當時的自己有多天真或害怕．比如說當我想要在那篇文章紀錄真實的歷程的同時，也很害怕自己的冒牌鬼會被人揭穿．「這個上班族對健身教學一無所知，憑什麼在網路上發表文章啊？」是我常想像教練讀者會有的反應．文章的內容一修再修，就是怕會得罪人、或說出什麼讓別人之後可以拿來嘲笑自己的話，甚至還在文章裡拍一些名人馬屁，為的就是要讓自己顯得很「謙虛」．就連後來這篇文章的標題「健力熱情與人生-AI產品規劃到健身教練的轉職路」，都還是因為對於要離開科技業的光環、轉職較草根工作導向的教練感到害怕，硬是要把「AI」和「產品規劃」這種看起來很厲害的字眼放進標題裡，好讓自己過去的鬼魂能夠沾點面子．

但有時候，我們的勇氣讓我們與繆思接了上線，當下的書寫超越了自我人生經驗、彷彿是自己被什麼神祇之光所庇護，讓文字幾乎成為某種先知的預兆，在未來不同時間點閱讀時仍感覺到一陣暮鼓晨鐘的撞擊．就像是當我現在閱讀當初在文末寫下的這段話，彷彿是看到未來更成熟、看過更多人生起伏的進化版本，給現在當下藉由寫作探索自我的一個啟示．

Translation (Courtesy of ChatGTP!)

From arriving in Chiang Mai to the present, just two weeks later, every day has felt like living in a dream. I can't believe I've actually returned to the Chiang Mai of my dreams and found a partner willing to travel with me. Every visit to a grocery store with Thai signs, every morning waking up to find myself still in Thailand, is a moment of ecstatic joy that makes my head spin. Riding on a scooter through the valleys of Pai, holding Pauli tightly on the backseat, belting out the lyrics to the popular song "Home is wherever I'm with you," I can't help but wonder where this unexpected romance will lead. Though I couldn't predict that we would eventually get married and have a beautiful baby together, I have a profound sense of trust. And a year later, our wedding anniversary video features that same song. Whenever I look at my daughter's innocent face, recalling those days sitting on the back of a scooter in Pai with Paul, I marvel at how miraculous life's arrangements can be.

As the journey progresses, the emotions of quitting my job start to flood back. I thought quitting would feel liberating, but my relationship with work turned out to be as tangled as that of a couple going through a breakup. At first, I was angry at myself for not taking action sooner, then I tried to convince myself that I had moved on and shouldn't feel this way, attempting to suppress my emotions. Finally, a wave of intense sadness overwhelmed all rational responses. I began to mourn the youth I hadn't truly lived for myself. The impact of memories that felt fresh but seemed like relics of a past life, coupled with the upheaval of my current nomadic joyous existence, left me with a tangled mess of emotions, suffocating in my chest, needing release. Paul, who loved writing and constantly documented his life after quitting his job and his thoughts on work on his blog, encouraged me multiple times to write down these experiences.

"Writing? That's not my forte. And who would want to read my boring stories?" I thought. My previous writing experience was limited to term papers or ranting on a forum filled with phonetic Taiwanese, read mostly by my verbose friends in the foreign language department. Although I learned through reading The 4-Hour Workweek that managing a blog was a nomadic way of life, I never thought of myself as someone who could write. To me, writing was something done by people with genuinely interesting life stories, exceptional insights, or literary backgrounds. I was just an ordinary woman who hated working and wanted to exercise every day; writing wasn't something I could or should do.

Yet those thoughts kept replaying in my mind, and the desire to tell this story grew stronger. Just as the desire to become a coach always demanded satisfaction, this story had a life of its own, banging on my head, begging to be written. Unable to sleep past 4 a.m., I finally took out my laptop from the bag next to my bed, skipping breakfast altogether, and began writing down my career transition journey word by word. Once I wrote the first sentence, I was possessed, unable to stop writing.

"I knew you could do it!" Paul exclaimed, awakened by the sound of my typing in the dark early morning. Turning to see that I had finally begun writing the article he had been hoping for, he cheered excitedly. I wrote from dawn till dusk, and in the days that followed, I did nothing but complete this article. I thought about writing during lunch, pondered it while riding the scooter, and seized every opportunity to continue writing in cafes.

Yet, while writing, I found myself in a liminal space of transitioning careers. The past was over, and the future was completely unknown. Would I really achieve my dream of becoming a well-paid fitness coach who could empower women? Coming from a diverse background, how would transitioning into a relatively singular life affect me? Did returning to Taiwan mean the end of my nomadic dream? I had no answers to these uncertainties. I began to doubt the usefulness of writing this article for those who wanted change. I was sure it was a successful transition, but unsure if it would bring about a successful outcome. Isn't the purpose of writing to teach everyone a formula for success or happiness?

"Then write that down too," Paul said. "No one really needs a success story; what resonates is sharing your imperfections, letting others know that such vulnerability and uncertainty are universal, and that there is power in knowing you are not alone, in having others to accompany you forward."

So, I wrote at the end of the article:

"I hope everyone can embrace the uncertainty of the future, bravely face their vulnerability, and then experiment and shape the prototype of the life they want.

I hope that by sharing some knowledge or words that inspired me, I can become a catalyst for others to pursue their true desires, whether in life or physical strength. To be honest, I don't know what is absolutely true or correct, but bit by bit, you will always know what truly makes you tear up, what truly makes you want to strive, what you are willing to give your all for when facing yourself in the silence of the night, and what belongs to others' definitions, others' dreams, and what you just need to bravely let go of."

Seeing these words now, I still can't help but get goosebumps. That's how creation works; sometimes what we write is limited to the worldview we understand at the moment or the fear that we are not qualified enough to share our thoughts. Looking back years later, we might be amazed at how naive or fearful we were at the time. For example, while I wanted to document my true journey in that article, I was also afraid of being exposed as a fraud. "This office worker knows nothing about fitness coaching; why should she publish articles online?" is what I often imagined the reaction of coach readers would be. I edited and revised the content repeatedly, fearing I might offend someone or say something that could be later used against me, even inserting some flattery of celebrities in the article just to make myself appear "humble." Even the title of this article, "Passion for Strength and Life - From AI Product Planning to Becoming a Fitness Coach," was because I was afraid of leaving the aura of the tech industry and transitioning to a grassroots-oriented coaching job, so I forcefully inserted the impressive words "AI" and "product planning" into the title to give my past ghost some face.

But sometimes, our courage connects us with the muse, and our writing transcends our personal life experiences, as if we are protected by some divine light, making our words almost prophetic, still feeling like a wake-up call at different times in the future. Just as when I read the passage I wrote at the end of the article now, it's as if I see a more mature version of myself, having experienced more ups and downs in life, giving me insight into exploring myself through writing.

Preorder my book!

Thanks to ChatGTP for the cover!

Are you interested in my stories? Do you read Chinese or know someone who reads Chinese that will be interested in my book? Now, you can preorder my book for $10! This book, with a tentative title, Made in Taiwan, is estimated to be published in 2024. It will be helpful for anyone who’s exploring who they are and wanting to reinvent their life while battling imposter syndrome. Or anyone interested in living an untraditional life!

Thank you for reading!

See ya next week!

Angie