#31 Finishing 1st Draft & Traveling as a Parent

Book update 10

Hey friends,

Welcome to my update! This is a series documenting the process of writing and publishing my Chinese memoir that tells the story of me being Taiwanese, and how I perceived my identity changes over time. This includes studying in the States, quitting my 9-5, becoming an online creator and digital nomad, marrying into a white family, and becoming a mother.

Hell yeah! After 207613 words and 230 hours of writing, I finished my first book draft! Holy mama, what a journey. I still can’t believe I did it. I’m so proud of myself! I went on a two-week trip to Mexico with Pauli and Mumu to celebrate. 

Solo trip to Mexico mountain town Tep

Book Update

While in Mexico, I finally looked at my first draft. Wow, the second edition will still require a lot of work! Some stories have a beginning but no end, and some have an end but no beginning. There are many gaps to fill, and words to trim and rearrange.

My first draft is… a bit excessive. But I believe in what Tucker Max said: when writing your story for the first time, you must write without reservation. Write with all your might, write painstakingly, write madly, and this writing process can heal our past wounds. Once the wounds scab over, we can see more objectively what happened in our lives. Once the wounds have scabbed over, we can write healing words instead of pouring our negative emotions onto the readers.

Two months ago, when #AmericanLife was trending on Threads in Taiwan, I started sharing book excerpts and life reflections on the platform. It became a place to test my ideas, and I found that many of my random thoughts resonated with others. I also realized that many of them needed further refinement.

Within a week, my account grew from over 400 followers to 2,300. However, I I stopped posting so that I could finish my manuscript. But in Mexico, I started sharing again, and within two weeks, my followers grew from over 2,000 to now over 6,000. I marvel at the power and unpredictability of algorithms. I previously tried to build an audience for my fitness podcast for two years and it only resulted in a thousand followers. Now, with Threads eager to retain users and my strength of writing, I’ve been able to have my own “fifteen minutes of fame” over the past few weeks. 

But Paul said, “You didn’t gain these readers in a few weeks; it took you five years.

His words woke me up. He was right. It indeed took me five years, fighting against my impostor syndrome, and doing tons of experiments, to get to this point today. I wouldn’t be able to write as well as I can now without everything I went through. 

At the end of my first draft, I wrote:

During the writing process, I realized that each choice of words and perspective shaped the perception of "who I am." How I place myself as the subject or object establishes whether I decide to be the protagonist with choices or just a passive victim.

Initially, I wanted to include some of my past writing to save time, but no matter how I edited it, it didn’t fit the truth I now understand. Then I realized that after these three years, especially the past few months of writing this book, I am now a different person.

Although the previous writings accurately expressed my feelings at the time, they no longer capture the relationship I have with those experiences. I decided to rewrite those memories from my current perspective. This realization made me more grateful to my past self for recording my life back then, allowing me to find the most authentic memories and see how much I have grown.

Writing this book allowed me to reinterpret my life.

In the past, I always had strong emotions about the physical and psychological setbacks after switching from an office worker to a fitness coach. I thought that it was a failed career change. But during the writing process, I began to see the positive impact the career change had on my life, especially on my relationship with my family.

Maybe I didn’t achieve the expected success in the fitness coach job, but the career change brought me back on the right life track. By facing my fears and pursuing my true desires, I met my life partner Paul in the most authentic state of myself. The coaching job also made me truly understand my body and, through connecting with my most vulnerable side, started tapping into my endless creativity.

Those fresh wounds, healed through the writing process, turned into scars. Although they will never disappear, they have transformed from a force that trapped me in darkness into beacons guiding my way.

I smiled as I realized that after writing the book, it’s like a ray of sunshine has shone on the dark days of the past. I can gradually understand those struggling days. I began to see that some experiences weren’t failures as I had imagined, and some days I was actually deeply loved. As a result, it felt like my life finally received a fair judgment, and I could start a new life with a new narrative.

If Threads had existed three years ago, I probably would have dropped a few posts and then ran away. Back then, I didn’t believe I was worthy of love. I always worried that any follower would see through me, and realize I wasn’t “qualified” to say anything in public.

Countless times crying in cafes while writing and numerous battles with impostor syndrome have made me the brave version of myself today. Not only do I need this courage, but my daughter also needs this version of her mother to help her build her understanding of the world. Now, even though the fear of criticism still exists, I know my existence has meaning, and no matter how small I am, someone will want to hear my story.

To improve my writing for the second edition of the book, I started reading autobiographies of different styles. Among them, I read "Sunny Side Up" by my college classmate. She is the head editor of Womany, the first online magazine advocating for gender equality in Taiwan. She is someone I aspired to be like during my college years: a shiny, confident woman. Her book, written with warm and positive words, describes various small moments worth celebrating after turning thirty, with a feeling of warm afternoon sunlight shining into the room.

However, after reading the book, I knew that my memoir wouldn’t and shouldn’t be like her book. Maybe, after this healing, I could write another book like that. But if this memoir deliberately ignores those dark moments to give a warm feeling, it would lose its purpose of existing in this world. My manuscript will have warm moments, but it needs to be like Jerry Colonna’s Reboot, sharing my raw, inner world to give readers who experienced similar challenges in life the strength to move forward too.

I am deciding whether to publish it as three books or to extract the essence into one. I hope some publishing direction will become clear during the editing process.

I will stop a regular book update and change back to more life reflections for future issues. Stay tuned!

Traveling After Having a Kid

This week, my husband, our one-year-old daughter, and I just finished a two-week trip to Mexico. During this period, I also took three days to travel alone to the mountain town of Tepoztlán.

I shared this trip on Twitter, and someone responded: "I always thought it was selfish to travel alone especially when you have a family but it doesn’t seem like the case here."

Alas, it was not an easy journey for me. When my husband and I started our digital nomad journey after getting married in 2020, I had many such unconscious thoughts, like "Couples should always eat together" or "Couples should always travel together." Even though I considered myself someone who rejected traditional norms, and no one had ever explicitly told me these things, these beliefs dictated my choices during our nomadic life. Perhaps it was because traveling during the pandemic required us to rely on each other more deeply. After a year of nomadism, the freedom I had sworn I wouldn't lose before marriage was gone.

It wasn't until I started "morning pages," a habit of writing three pages in a stream of consciousness every day, that I began to see that I needed to value my independence again, and no one was holding me back. I am grateful that Paul always supports these explorations. I started spending more time alone and took short trips by myself. In these moments of reconnecting with freedom, love for my partner grew deeper.

After becoming parents, Paul and I take turns traveling alone. The one who travels gets a break from parenting, and the one staying behind gets to enjoy special moments with our daughter.

While writing my memoir, I decided that I would return to Mexico to celebrate completing the first draft. The question was, should I go alone, or with my husband and daughter?

I longed to wander the streets filled with Latin music, to spend a whole day without reacting to anyone, and to enjoy the freedom of being alone. But after my solo trip to Valencia, leaving my husband and daughter in Barcelona, I wanted to experience everything with my daughter. I imagined her wide-eyed, watching colorful flags fluttering in the air in Mexico, or her cute chubby legs stomping to Spanish music in a restaurant. 

In the end, I decided to travel with my loved ones and find a few days to travel alone for the perfect balance.

From Adventurous to Conservative

Before this trip to Mexico, our one-and-a-half-year-old daughter had visited the U.S., Taiwan, the Netherlands, and Spain. Perhaps because those first-world countries are relatively safe and convenient, apart from our luggage changing from two backpacks to two large suitcases of baby gear, traveling as parents was not much different. But this trip to Mexico was more of a shock shock.

Our first stop was Valle de Bravo, a town built around an artificial lake and hills, two hours outside Mexico City. We stayed in a local house just a 10-minute walk from the town center. Based on past experiences, this distance, compared to tourist areas, allows us to feel the local vibe more.

Indeed, if we were still living our carefree days as a couple, blending into the local life like this would be quite interesting. We would enjoy the curious glances of the locals, ride a scooter around, and laugh at the sound of stray dogs fighting at night. But with a child, it was a completely different experience.

Our days were fragmented by our daughter's sleep times. The 20-minute round trip to the bustling area became the farthest distance in the world. Scooters were no longer a safe option, and our stroller couldn't move on cobblestone streets. We carried our daughter in the hot sun, sweating profusely, or relied on taxis like regular tourists. At night, our daughter was woken by barking dogs, and we, adults, were sleep-deprived the next day. Most importantly, although we received friendly help throughout the trip, the unnecessary attention we received as travelers made us worried about our daughter's safety.

But returning to Mexico City, we stayed in the expat area of La Condesa, with the famous Parque Espana park right next to our apartment. The apartment was predictably and perfectly furnished like a social media photo. Although it felt like living in a tourist bubble, we could push our daughter on smooth asphalt roads, explore hundreds of moder cafes, and play with other English-speaking kids in the park.

This trip made us realize that even though we can still travel after having a child, our travel style needs a little more planning. Those comfortable and safe places, though boring, are key elements that make long-term travel with a child possible.

At the end of our Mexico trip, I took a bus alone to the mountain town of Tepoztlán. Without needing to care for my daughter, I thought I could finally enjoy the freedom of being alone. The first day, phew, I could finally take a break from motherhood. The second day, wow, it was nice to eat a meal without distractions. On the third day, I felt sad when thinking about my daughter. It was a sadness rooted in longing, born out of strong love and compassion.

We can never return to our adventurous young selves, but I believe that as a family, we can still live a prosperous life true to ourselves.

Preorder my book!

Thanks to ChatGTP for the cover!

Are you interested in my stories? Do you read Chinese or know someone who reads Chinese that will be interested in my book? Now, you can preorder my book for $10! This book, with a tentative title, Made in Taiwan, is estimated to be published in 2024. It will be helpful for anyone who’s exploring who they are and wanting to reinvent their life while battling imposter syndrome. Or anyone interested in living an untraditional life!

Thank you for reading!

Angie

P.S. What are your thoughts on this letter? What kind of content would you like to hear in the future? Feel free to leave a comment below!