Hey, 親愛的捧優 (a playful way of saying “friends” in Chinese),
Hope everyone is strong and healthy while reading my newsletter!
Life decided for me
Right now, I should be preparing for my flight back to Taiwan tomorrow. But unfortunately, I got COVID again (after thanking COVID in my previous newsletter issue 😅) and had to cancel my plan to visit family.
Michelle (my baby girl) is the first grandkid on my Taiwanese family’s side. I really wanted to show my parents my bump and take them to see Michelle kicking around in my belly on the ultrasound screen. I missed Taiwanese food and had scheduled tons of hangouts and medical appointments for this trip. It’s also my dad’s 60th birthday. Celebrating this birthday with him together meant a lot to me.
But to be honest, I was pretty nervous about the stress of 14 hours of flight, a 7 hour layover, and jetlag would put on my body. I know flying during pregnancy is generally safe, but flying this long in the 3rd trimester is also no joke.
Most importantly, I have some promising freelance projects with people I like taking shape. There’s not much time until I go on my prenatal/maternity leave, and I want to give my best to see where freelancing will take me. Going on this trip means I would fulfill put my family first but sacrifice the ambitious part of me.
So, when I saw the word POSITIVE on my PRC test, I felt sad that I had to give up my travel plan but also felt a huge relief that I (& Michelle) don’t have to experience jetlag, and I can go all in on my freelance adventure without regret.
P.S. If you have any good ideas about celebrating birthday virtually, please share them with me!
Setting boundaries
I have difficulty setting boundaries for my “me time.”
The idea of boundaries is almost non-existent in Taiwan. In the collectivist society where I’m from, a person’s ultimate goal is to blend into the group and sacrifice themselves. This included sleeping on the same bed with my coworkers on business trips. No joke.
My husband Paul made an interesting point about these cultural differences.
In Taiwan, setting boundaries is something that will make the other lose face (How can you break my heart by saying you are busy and can’t hang out with me? How can you reject the food I cook for you just because you are full?) But at the same time, we are also trying to protect the other person by not being too assertive because otherwise, we might force them to give up their boundary for us. The result? We are giving up our boundaries for each all the time (a classic lose-lose situation).
But in the US, people assume that you protect your own boundary, so if you say yes to something, that means you’ve thought it through and are not giving up something important for you. You are screwed if you are sacrificing your boundary, thinking other people should be more empathetic with you.
Dang, that’s definitely something I still need to practice.
A fun pre-marriage story
This week, I recorded a podcast episode with Paul sharing my creative journey since our last conversation in Mexico in 2020 and how we feel about becoming parents-to-be (will post in the next week or so). This brought back lots of memories, including one or the most embarrassing but powerful breakdowns I had right before we got married.
I met Paul when I was not the most confident version of myself. I quit my tech job to pursue my fitness dream but ended up working at a minimum wage as a trainer in Taiwan without much success. That was before I started creating online and went on a burst of personal growth.
Even though Paul thought I was a curious and intelligent person, and I did have a record of performing well academically and professionally, I was still intimidated by how shiny his “default path” resume was. I had also met a couple of his creator friends in Bali, and it blew my mind how cool and unconventional these digital nomads are.
It was a breezy evening in the fall. Our fight started with a weird random thing. I asked him if he could give me any resources that could improve my analytical skills. He passed me the Progressive Summarization article Tiago Forte wrote. I claimed this was not what I wanted. But he wouldn’t give me the “secret” juice to improve my analytical skills.
Paul: You are a very smart person. Why do you keep wanting to prove to me that you are not good enough?
Me: You don’t understand! You don’t know how frustrating it is not to be able to analyze complex information! I’m just not good at this!
Paul: Why are you getting so emotional talking about this unimportant stuff? There’s something deeper going on here, and I don’t know how to help you.
We were eating at Sukiya, a Japanese fast-food chain in Taiwan. I stared at the pork over rice in front of me and was completely shut down. I didn’t understand why Paul was so mean to me. Why couldn’t he understand how frustrated I was? Why couldn’t he have some empathy?
My next coaching session was around the clock, and I was so fed up with the conversation. I just wanted to hop on my bike and run as far away as possible. But Paul wouldn’t let me leave.
Paul: “You need to tell me what’s going on. You can’t just leave. Why are you so obsessed with these stupid frameworks and questions today?”
(unimportant back and forth that went nowhere)
Me: “Because I’m afraid I’ll never deserve to be in your friend’s circle! Eventually, we will grow apart, and you will leave me!” I sat on the floor by the door of Sukiya and finally broke down crying.
That’s it. I was so shocked by what I was actually thinking. That was my biggest fear before I got married. That I would never be included in his intellectual conversations with friends. That I will never be impressive enough for him. People might think I don’t deserve him.
My imposter syndrome self got even worse after I started traveling nomadically with Paul and creating online. It took me three years of self-inquiry and lots of inner work to overcome my shadow and be where I am today. And thank god Paul is always so supportive and consistent. Without his support (and his belief that I’m awesome no matter who I think I am), I would probably still not be able to see what I am capable of and who I really am.
Two COVIDs, different reactions
I mentioned in the previous issue that when I got COVID this February, I didn’t take it very well. I was applying for an important job. Paul gave me very honest feedback on how my interview answer didn’t make sense, and I cried for hours.
Today, he was helping me with a freelance client proposal and was grilling me with brutally honest feedback again. Afterward, I told him (with social distancing),
“10 months ago, you did this to me, I had a mental breakdown. Today, you did it again, I only had tears in my eyes, but I got back on immediately. Just want you to know, this girl is a strong Madafaka now!” :DDDD
I’ve wanted to write about intimate relationships and identity in English for a long time. This is my first try. Do you like it? Let me know!
Stay healthy!
Angie
Thanks for sharing so deeply and honestly Angie. I’m sorry to hear you got COVID (again) but relieved it’s serving a good purpose for you (boundaries and investing energy in your own priorities). I hope you and baby Michelle can rest well!