#8 I Finally Said This to My Mother
Nervous System Mastery emotional edge challenge, annual review workshop
It’s almost Christmas, friends!
I’m writing you from New York City. We stayed at our super fun cousin Brian’s apartment near Union Square. This is the first place we stayed at when I finally moved to the States last October.
Many memories came up when I worked at the same desk where I sent out 100+ corporate job applications and spammed tech companies’ founders with videos selling myself :P
Man, it’s been a long ride!
I Finally Said This to My Mother
This month, I had the most difficult conversation with my mother- I finally told her I love her.
The Rebellious Asian Daughter
I wrote about how the relationship between my mom and me changed over the years in my article From 'Burden' to 'Gift': How My Pregnancy Helped Me Rewrite My Narrative. I was a classic good Asian daughter but studying in the States in 2010 completely changed our relationship.
My dreams of being a perfect Asian daughter were shattered when I had a chance to study in the US on a scholarship for a year during college. After being exposed to other cultural norms, I started to think, wow, how I was brought up was not cool at all!
I learned about phrases and ideas like “Tiger moms,” “gaslighting,” “passive-aggressive,” and “emotional blackmail.”. Although I first used these words jokingly with other Asian-American friends, they undeniably opened a whole new world of understanding my emotions and created an unseen tension between my mother and me. I stopped responding to her texts and saw them as a form of control. I pretended I didn’t notice when she tried to look into my eyes lovingly. There was an invisible wall that I built up between us, but neither of us was willing to admit it. This went on for years.
It was really painful for me (now, quoting this from my writing, I’m tearing up again). I still had so much love for her, but I didn’t know how to understand this love anymore. In addition, Taiwanese culture was not a very emotionally expressive culture. I ended up never talking through these emotions with my mom and secretly going through a lot of inner work by myself.
My Journey of Healing
My first breathwork in Mexico in 2020 was the first time I one-sidedly had a breakthrough in my mother-daughter relationship. In the annual reflection of that year, I wrote down that the most important thing I had to do before New Year’s eve was to call my mom and tell her I love her.
I didn’t. It was way too scary, way too far out of my comfort zone.
After that, I continued to do a lot of inner child work. I gradually understood that my mom also had her inner child who needed love. But most importantly, being pregnant with my baby girl finally made me realize how much my mom loved me.
This realization has helped me to rewrite my narrative. It’s still hard to let go of some of my old narratives, but now I fully understand all the positive things I must have brought into my parent’s world.
Yes, I might have some scars from my harsh Asian upbringing, but I also have so much love from my family. I thought if one day I had kids, I would try my best to sever the generational family trauma and bring a life of prosperity to my kids. But the truth is my mother had so much love for me, and I struggled to see it.
I won’t be able to dictate how my daughter experiences the world, but I will try my best to help her write her own story, and make sure I let her know that she will forever be my angel, a gift for my life. Just like I am for my mother.
I had all these transformations during my pregnancy. I talked about them with Paul every day. I wrote about it extensively in Write of Passage. I passionately shared my breakthroughs with people from around the world in the breakout rooms. But I still didn’t have the courage to tell my mom I loved her.
Why? Because it’s scary to change the dynamics that have been going on for a decade. It’s risky to tell her I love her. What if she wouldn't accept my apology? What if she felt too embarrassed to respond to my love? What if she rejects my love?
Emotional Edge Challenge
But then, this opportunity came. I was helping Jonny with his Nervous System Mastery Course and also joined his cohort as a student. In this course, we learned about the nature of our nervous system, different protocols, and mental tools on how to rise out of reactivity, so we can be the most authentic self we want.
Whenever I imagined telling my mom I love her and the different possibilities it might lead to, my body simply went into a flight response. My brain froze. My body went stiff. Cold sweats flooded my palms. My stomach was tumbling. But through the course, we learned how to up and down-regulate our nervous system when we went into different sympathetic, ventral, and dorsal modes. I started to feel the possibility that I could hold myself together if I wanted to have a conversation with my mother.
At the end of the course, Jonny held this Emotional Edge Challenge, where we were encouraged to share one thing we’ve wanted to do for a long time. It could be one conversation we should have had a long time ago or one action we needed to take. Our goal was to carry out the challenge before the cohort ended.
For me, this was the perfect opportunity. Yes, Jonny was super generous to encourage students with amazing rewards like Oura ring or RaOptics Blue Light Blockers (my dream Christmas gift!). But the true reward for me is that I could use this public commitment to the community to exchange for a life that I can be true to myself. I would finally feel that I don’t have to hide my love for my mother.
I shared my challenge in the Nervous System Mastery community. With my flight to Taiwan booked, I was very confident this time, it would finally work out.
The Unexpected Blow
And then, as you might know- my second COVID hit. When I saw the word POSITIVE on my PCR test, one of my first thought was, “Shoooot, now I will never have the chance to tell my mom.”
I knew that with remote communication, it would just be way harder for me to initiate the conversation. I mean, how should I even start? How can I make this probably one of the most important conversations I would have in my life as meaningful as it could be in person? Should I film a video? Should I write a long letter? Should I casually drop it in our video chat? I came up with 100 different alternatives but couldn’t land on one conclusion. But deep down, I knew, I was simply procrastinating.
At that point, I felt hopeless. I felt desperate that I might forever have to keep it a secret.
The Determination
Every day after I canceled my flight, my guilt got stronger, and I got more upset at myself. I went from thinking about it a few times a day to constantly stressed over it. Then one day, I simply couldn’t take it anymore. I knew there was no better timing, no better option, and no better way of communicating.
I. Just. Need. To. Pick. Up. My. Phone. And. Call. My. Mom.
That’s it. There’s no other reason. Simply the fact that I was determined to make it happen.
I thought about all the possibilities that I would break down and not be able to say what I meant to say or how this conversation would go wrong. But I needed to take the risk. I could no longer hide the secret inside me. I needed to say it.
Before picking up my phone, I sat on the edge of my bed and did a tiny meditation. I reminded myself of the protocols to down-regulate my nervous system if I got overwhelmed. Then I took a deep breath and hit the call button.
The real conversation.
The call on FB messenger was ringing. My heart was pounding. Then I saw my mom sitting together with my dad on the sofa in the new apartment that I had never been to.
I was really nervous, but I held myself together. After exchanging a few sentences about our covid update, I said, “ Actually, I have something important to tell you.” My mom’s face sank when she heard my words. “What do you want to tell me?” Her voice went down, and she became tight as if she was ready for bad news or comments.
“Nothing. I just want to tell you how much I love you.” Then I started balling. I told them how much this pregnancy made me realize how hard it is to be a parent. I knew they’d tried their best to bring me up, and I was sorry that I was so rebellious in my twenties.
“ I want you to know I’m really sorry that I hurt you before. But despite how stupid I was, I still love you so much. I never really tell you verbally, but I really need you to know I love you. And thank you so much for everything you did for me.”
(Dang, this newsletter cost me so many tears QAQ) (>That’s a Taiwanese emoji for crying face)
My tears never stopped the whole conversation, but I didn’t lose control as I feared. I didn’t hold back, nor did I try to play down my emotion. I just let them flow through.
On the other side of the screen, my mom just sat there and smiled. She didn’t accuse me, she didn’t deny or reject my love. She just peacefully said thank you and said she loved me, too.
(Ps. During the whole convo, my dad just uncomfortably looked away. I called him out and said, “ Hey dad, sorry to make you uncomfortable.” He smiled embarrassedly. A typical repressed Asian dad. )
Reflections
That’s it. The conversation I had been avoiding for so many years finally happened. It lasted probably 10 mins, but I felt like my whole life played through in my head during those ten minutes. I was surprised at how less dramatic the real conversation was compared to my imagination. Everything was so natural as if it was destined to happen.
I thought I would feel very proud and emotionally stirred up after the call. But the emotion that I truly felt was “alignment.” I feel very aligned with who I am supposed to be and how I am supposed to act in this world. I feel like I can live the rest of my life without regrets. There’s a deep sense of lightness I feel. There’s no burden I carry. No secret I keep. My mom and I are finally on the same page. And I feel I finally give myself the permission to be close to her and express my emotion more freely to her.
I feel like I’m living my truth.
Thank you Jonny! You created an incredible community and built a container that enabled us to do something truly meaningful for us!
And thank you for the generosity - I can’t wait to start my 2023 with my blue-light-blocking Ra-Optics glasses!
CV4W Annual Review Writing with Visuals Workshop
This Wednesday at 12 pm. ET (tmr!), I will cohost an Annual Review Writing with Visuals Workshop with John Nicolas for our friends in WOP, the Creating Visuals for Writing Community, and our newsletter readers. This annual review is inspired by Jonny Miller's Reflecting Forwards Annual Review (This issue has become a Jonny special edition, ha). We will use different archetypes in the template to reflect on how you succeed in fighting for your values, carrying through your commitments, and enjoying the wonder of life. Come hang!✨
Angie I was very moved by this 🥹 I relate to your journey in a lot of ways, and I could feel myself tearing up too QAQ (I hope I’m doing it right). Thank you for sharing this whole experience! Examining our roots and understanding where we come from is part of the process, but not an easy one. This was so beautiful and you’re going to make a great momma!
🥹 I can’t wait to take Jonny’s course next cohort
Also my gosh does your story resonate, thank you for being a pioneer so I can follow your footsteps 👣🐾