#30 Don't Betray Your Editor......?

Book update 09

Hey friends,

Welcome to my update! This is a series documenting the process of writing and publishing my Chinese memoir that tells the story of me being Taiwanese, and how I perceived my identity changes over time. This includes studying in the States, quitting my 9-5, becoming an online creator and digital nomad, marrying into a white family, and becoming a mother.

Whoaa this week I’m writing about my pregnancy journey, which means the time to complete my first draft is coming close!

Painting by Becky Isjwara 

This week’s artwork is by my super talented painter, writer, photographer friend

Becky Isjwara

. She started painting during the pandemic, and painted over FIVE HUNDRED paintings in three years! She just published her painting collection into a book In Plein Sight. Check it out!

How much I wrote

I officially broke through the 200k threshold! This is very inefficient in terms of book writing but I love how ridiculous this process got lol

Reflections

Surprise from Publisher

I had a second call with the original publisher I wanted to work with (we haven’t signed a contract yet). Originally, we agreed on me taking 10% royalty with no upfront cost. But during our call, they started to tell me how hard it is for traditional publishing to make money in Taiwan, and if I would consider pre-purchasing 200 copies of the book at 40% off the book price. It was not a bad deal, so I said I would consider it.

But after a few days, they told me they wanted me to purchase 600-800 copies instead, and the publishing timeline could be as fast as the end of July with 3-4 rounds of editing.

I was shocked by how they changed the terms just like that. Even after asking around and learning that 4 months is common to publish a book in Taiwan after receiving the author’s first draft, I still think it’s way too rushed, esp considering I need to cut and restructure A LOT of my draft.

I started to feel immense stress and defeated.

Defeated because I started to doubt myself. Maybe I’m just not that good of a writer that they don’t want to work with me on the royalty model. Maybe I should say yes to whatever a publisher offers because that’s what I deserve.

Stressed because I knew I didn’t want to rush and publish a book I’m not proud of. I did something similar for the online course I built. We tried to film the course content in the gym just using our iPhone and editing with iMovie, thinking that we could optimize the content in the future version. It was good enough for a low-budget product. But I was so ashamed by how bad the quality was that I felt embarrassed to promote it, which led to little sales for the second version, which led to the end of that course.

Not to mention this is a book about ME, my life, and things that I truly care about. It’s exciting to know that if I signed the contract, I could see my book baby come to this world before my birthday! BUT, I want to have a book that I’m proud of because I know I might be talking about it for the rest of my life. I also don’t want my life to be misunderstood because of bad editing.

After a long consideration, I emailed the publisher and told them I was not happy with what they offered (almost a scam) and would start to explore self-publishing.

Pauli said if I felt stressed even before signing the contract, just imagine what I would feel if I signed the contract and found out they wanted to do something that I would absolutely hate and regret. He is right.

Cultural Differences on Publishing

After I started to reconsider self-publishing, I asked other writers when they brought in different types of editors. In Write of Passage, we will have 5+ ppl editing the same draft. We also knew the importance of having editors with different styles to give us feedback, so we could have a more holistic view on how to improve our writing. Tiago Forte hired his own editor before his draft went into the hands of a traditional publisher. Pauli had a book coach, 2 formal editors, and lots of readers’ feedback for his Pathless Path.

To my surprise, the reaction I got from Taiwanese authors made me feel like I said something scandalous.

“Why would you want to find someone else if you are already working with one editor? You need to trust your editor.” They said.

I was shocked by their answers, but not really. It made lots of sense in Taiwanese culture. My guess is if you hire another editor, that means you are questioning the ability of the original editor you worked with. You don’t wanna “bring shame” to your editor. You want to protect their feelings.

I guess there are never enough counter-culture shocks lol

Publishing Consultant

I scheduled a call with a Taiwanese publishing consultant. In the early days of my book writing, he was the only person who said I should try self-publishing. He seemed to be really in touch with the power of digital tools, and think differently than most traditional editors. We are gonna talk about the current state of publishing in Taiwan, and what’s the best way to go about publishing my book. Will keep yall posted!

Snippet of the Week

This week’s snippet is about the self-vipassana retreat I did two years ago. Some crazy shit happened during the retreat. Crazy, crazy shit.

銘心刻骨的內觀

多個月前報名的內觀，在這個時刻似乎已經變得不是那麼的急迫需要．但那時已經極度想要成為母親成為的我，嘗試了一段時間仍未懷孕．我知道，心裡大概還有一些結尚未解開，因此還是決定前往靜修．

我提前幾天搭車到離內觀中心最近的城市達拉斯，這幾天只與自己相處、做好了所有心理調適後，這十天的靜修營卻因志工確診在開始的前三十分鐘取消！我不敢相信這件事，這個自己滿心期待、如史詩般的冒險，竟然就這樣泡湯了．我心理又挫折、又惱怒，根本就是靜修目的的相反．我甚至萌發直接打電話給雇主，告訴他明天就開始工作的念頭．但我心裡很清楚，這是命運告訴我，我必須以自己獨處的方式，來完成這趟必須走過的旅程．於是在掙扎了幾個小時後，我上網找到一個偏遠德州農場理，用工具房改造而成的小屋，決定在這個鳥不生蛋的地方進行自我內觀．

而就在內觀第四天晚上，暴風雨來襲時．我在熟睡之中被屋頂的撞擊聲驚醒，猛然從床上坐起．當我往窗外看去時，林間的樹被狂風吹動搖擺、激烈地像是即將折斷一般．

已經和外界切斷的我，完全沒有預料到早上豔陽的天氣竟然可以變化地如此劇烈．我所處在的小屋在美國北德州一望無際的農場地段．來此處不久前，我才接受到北德州龍捲風來襲的通知．「是龍捲風嗎？」我竟然在入住前，完全忘了查看這裡是不是龍捲風常造訪之地！同時間，各種斷裂地樹枝不斷吹打在鐵板小屋的牆上．就在我的心臟狂跳不止之時，屋內的電器開始像恐怖電影般不段閃爍．「碰！」的一聲，我限在斷電的一片漆黑之中．一道閃電霹下，整個屋子都在震動．

現在只有兩種可能性：如果真的是龍捲風，不管我怎麼逃也是死路一條．如果只是暴風雨，那麼擔心也沒用，這個晚上終究會過．「無常、無常」我對自己說，將這四天晚上內觀老師葛印卡所教授的無常作為人生真理不斷重複在心理，便慢慢地又進入沈睡裡．

這只是十天內觀靜修的其中一個小插曲，而這短短十天卻又度日如年的期間內，我的身、心、靈的改變不會小於那天暴風雨的劇烈．雖然我沒有足夠的毅力去嚴格遵守內關時程，但仍盡量維持每天早上4點起床、獨自靜坐十小時的日常．唯一陪伴我的是農場上一匹棕色的馬和雞群，以及不斷跑進房間裡的蒼蠅與大蜘蛛．這十天，大概是我人生最難熬的十天之一．就像懷孕生產的痛一樣，內觀靜坐的痛苦，大概也只有內觀過的人懂，而每個人經歷的痛都不一樣．

在每天10個小時的腦袋雲霄飛車後，每晚聽葛印卡的講道錄音都像是當頭棒喝一般．我看著自己隨著過去一些大致銘心刻苦的創傷事件、小至某人對我講一句無心的話而產生劇烈的情緒起伏．而這些思緒的內容追根究底只有兩種: 對好的事物的渴望(clinging)，或對負面事物的逃避或抗拒 (aversion)．我靜坐著觀察自己的思緒和隨之而起的身體反應，看著他們來襲、消逝，痛哭、平靜、再痛哭、再平靜後，我才慢慢的放下對人生的渴望和抗拒．我也稍稍理解過去的那些記憶，都如何變成我身體的一部分，變成我認知世界的框架和形塑我行為的潛在原因．

在關注自己的呼吸和身體感受的過程中，我也看到許多人際關係的真相．我看到那個待人不公的雇主，自己是多麽充滿了對人生的恐懼．我看到家人在嚴厲的話語背後，有多少對愛的渴求．

「別人在言語上對你不當．只是為了逞一時之快．但你不只讓他得逞了，還加倍還回去！『好啊，你要讓我不爽是吧？我就不爽給你看！我不只今天不爽，我要記仇，十年後我都要牢記你對我說的這句話！我這一生每次想到你對我說的話，都要不爽！』有些人記仇一輩子都算了，來世、甚至七世後都還記得這個痛！何必給自己這麼多苦難呢？放下吧．」葛印卡說．

沒錯，我一個人在2022年好好的坐在德州的屋子裡靜坐，心理竟然還在為了5年多、甚至30年前發生的事如此的掙扎！原來這麼多年來讓我受苦的不是他人，而是我自己！

在內觀這十天中，最難承受的大概就是親人逝世的記憶，不只是我在芝加哥時失去的爺爺和阿嬤．更尤其是外婆的喪禮．我的外婆，也就是我媽媽的媽媽，在我小二時因為肝癌末期驟然過世．那時我還太小，根本不懂死亡是什麼．但這個事件仍在我心中刻下一個深深地傷痕，是因為這是我這輩子唯一一次看到媽媽的脆弱．在小屋裡靜坐時，我在一次的看到自己的媽媽在外婆的棺材要送去火化時，在巷口跪趴在外婆的棺材上，撕裂心肺的吼叫大哭．多年後，我在蜜雪兒．桑拿在「沒有媽媽的超市」一書裡，看到她描述看到自己媽媽對於外婆過世時的激烈反應，才理解也許感受到媽媽在面對自己的母親死亡時悲慟的情緒的不捨，是每個作為女兒共有的創傷．在靜修不斷面對死亡的回憶和葛印卡所講授地故事，我才慢慢理解我們的孤獨和悲傷並不是獨特的，因為人生下來本來就是為了死去 ( we are born to die)，沒有一個家庭沒有經歷過死亡．雖然我現在想到還是會不捨，但已經能慢慢從那個難以釋懷的情緒裡走出．

另外外一個重大的體悟，是許多以前以為單純是訓練造成的疼痛或不適，其實都是心靈造成的心身疼痛 (psychosomatic pain)．那時我才知道原來這麼多年、即使我已經經歷好幾個不同的生命階段，我的身體卻還深深記住那時的回憶，不願放手．我開始和身體對話，告訴他：「事情已經過去了，我已經安全了」，在心裡真正接受的那一刻，那些困擾多年的緊繃和疼痛也瞬間消失．許多「不可思議」的事情也在這幾天陸續地發生，但關於這些體驗的詳細，就讓我留給自己回味吧．

雖然每天早上凌晨4點起床，但我卻感到比平常更有精神與活力．在重訓受傷後，我總害怕十天的靜坐會讓我的疼痛更加嚴重，然而我的身體竟然也在每天靜坐10小時10天後，「反常」地在離開時有更好的活動度、更大的自由和寬闊感．在離開這10天情緒如雲霄飛車般起落奔騰的靜修小屋時，我的心裏充滿著無限的感恩、平靜、和深深的喜悅感．

內觀訓練我去清楚的感受一個經驗在肉體上引起的感覺，而不對感覺做多餘的詮釋。也因為練習對痛苦的不逃避，讓我回到生活中後，慢慢更能平靜地面對很多對以前事物的恐懼和抗拒．

搬到奧斯丁後這幾個月劇烈的改變，從顱薦椎、神經語言程式、寫作的成年禮，在內觀達到高潮並劃下句點．內觀結束後，我覺得我已經體驗過夠多的療癒，不需要更多的靈性追求，是時候面對人生，專注地過我「入世」的生活了．

誰知道就在內觀結束後沒多久，我馬上就進入了一段人生最靈性、最超乎尋常的旅程．

我懷孕了．

Translation (Courtesy of ChatGTP!)

Months ago, I signed up for a Vipassana meditation retreat, which didn't seem as urgent now, but back then, I was desperately wishing to become a mother and had been trying to conceive without success. I knew there were some unresolved issues in my heart, so I still decided to go on the retreat.

I arrived in Dallas, the nearest city to the meditation center, a few days early to spend time alone and mentally prepare. However, just thirty minutes before the start, the ten-day retreat was canceled due to a volunteer testing positive for COVID-19.

I couldn't believe it. This epic adventure I had eagerly anticipated was suddenly not happening. I felt frustrated and angry, the opposite of what the retreat was supposed to achieve. I even thought about calling my employer to start work the next day. But deep down, I knew this was fate telling me I had to complete this journey on my own. After several hours of struggle, I found a converted toolshed on a farm in rural Texas on airbnb. I immediately went grocery shopping and headed there to start my self-retreat.

On the fourth night, I was awakened by loud noises hitting the roof during a storm. The trees outside were swaying violently as if they might snap. Cut off from the outside world, I hadn't anticipated such a drastic change from the sunny morning weather. My little cabin was in a vast farmland area in North Texas, a region prone to tornadoes—a fact I had forgotten to check before my stay. Amidst the storm, branches snapped against the metal walls of the cabin, and the electronics flickered like in a horror movie, then everything went dark. A lightning strike made the whole cabin shake.

There were only two possibilities: if it was indeed a tornado, escaping was futile; if it was just a storm, worrying was useless. I repeated the lesson on impermanence I had learned from the meditation teacher, Goenka, and slowly drifted back to sleep.

This episode was just one of many during the ten-day retreat, which felt like an eternity. Although I lacked the discipline to adhere strictly to the schedule, I tried my best to maintain the routine of waking up at 4 AM and meditating alone for ten hours each day. The only company I had was a brown horse, some chickens, flies, and spiders. It was probably one of the toughest periods of my life, similar to the pain of childbirth, understood only by those who have experienced it.

Each evening, listening to Goenka's sermons was a revelation. I reflected on traumatic events and casual remarks that had caused me intense emotional turmoil. All my thoughts boiled down to two things: a desire for the good (clinging) and a rejection of the bad (aversion). As I observed my thoughts and their physical responses, coming and going, crying, calming, then crying and calming again, I gradually let go of my desires and aversions. I also began to understand how past memories had become part of my body, shaping my view of the world and my subconscious motivations.

During the retreat, I gained insights into personal relationships, seeing the fear of life in an unfair employer and the longing for love behind harsh words from family members.

"Others may speak inappropriately to you to gain a moment of satisfaction. Yet, not only do you let them succeed, but you also retaliate doubly! 'Alright, you want to upset me? I'll show you how upset I can be! Not only will I be upset today, but I'll also hold a grudge and remember your words ten years from now! Every time I think of what you said, I'll feel upset!' Some people hold grudges their entire lives, even into the next life, or seven lives after that, remembering this pain. Why inflict so much suffering on yourself? Let it go," Goenka said.

Indeed, as I sat alone meditating in this shed in Texas in 2022, I found myself still struggling with events that happened over five or even thirty years ago! It wasn't others who had caused my suffering all these years, but myself!

During these ten days of Vipassana, the hardest memories to bear were those of losing loved ones. It wasn't just my grandfather and grandmother, whom I lost while in Chicago, but especially my grandmother's funeral. My grandmother, my mother's mother, suddenly passed away from terminal liver cancer when I was in second grade. At that time, I was too young to understand what death was. However, this event left a deep scar in my heart because it was the only time in my life I saw my mother so vulnerable.

While sitting in the meditation shed, I once again saw my mother kneeling at the corner of the alley, wailing and crying as my grandmother’s coffin was sent for cremation. Years later, in Michelle Zauner’s book "Crying in H Mart," I read about her intense reaction to her mom crying over her grandma’s death and understood that perhaps the sorrow felt by daughters at their mothers' pain is a common trauma. Through the constant reflection on death and Goenka's teachings, I began to understand that our loneliness and sorrow are not unique. Life is born to die, and no family is spared from death. Although I still feel sorrow when I think about it, I have slowly begun to move past that insurmountable grief.

Another significant realization was that much of the pain or discomfort I previously thought was caused purely by physical training was actually psychosomatic pain. It was only then that I realized my body had clung to these memories for so many years, even through different life stages, unwilling to let go. I started communicating with my body, telling it, "The event is over; I am safe now." The moment I truly accepted this in my heart, the long-standing tension and pain disappeared instantly. Many other "magical" things happened over these days, but I will keep those experiences for myself to savor.

Despite waking up at 4 AM every day, I felt more energetic and alive than usual. After the retreat, I had greater mobility and freedom, feeling immense gratitude and joy as I left.

The Vipassana training taught me to feel the physical sensations of experiences without interpreting them. It also helped me face fears and aversions more calmly in my daily life.

After moving to Austin, these past few months have been a period of intense change. From craniosacral therapy and neuro-linguistic programming to the Write of Passage, it all reached a climax and conclusion with Vipassana meditation. After Vipassana, I felt I had experienced enough healing and didn’t need any more spiritual pursuits. It was time to face life and focus on living a worldly life.

Who would have known that shortly after finishing Vipassana, I would embark on the most spiritual and extraordinary journey of my life?

I became pregnant.

Preorder my book!

Thanks to ChatGTP for the cover!

Are you interested in my stories? Do you read Chinese or know someone who reads Chinese that will be interested in my book? Now, you can preorder my book for $10! This book, with a tentative title, Made in Taiwan, is estimated to be published in 2024. It will be helpful for anyone who’s exploring who they are and wanting to reinvent their life while battling imposter syndrome. Or anyone interested in living an untraditional life!

Thank you for reading!

See ya next week!

Angie